Beyond Knowing

Photo by Pawel Nolbert on Unsplash

Who am I? What am I?  This thing which seems to come to sit, to write, to express something in language. A life. An experience. A Story. An unfolding. A becoming…ever moving toward dissolution. Dissolving. Imagination that tries to build itself up…add more to itself…puff itself up.

It is a cloud of dreaming that will rain itself back into the Ocean of Stillness and Silence whence it came. A thundercloud of thoughts that somehow believes in its own noise and power…in a separation from its Source. Sometimes it “feels” like that.

Yet something always knows, always senses that what it is will always be prior to any of that. It is Presence, a Spaciousness where everything is held. It is Simplicity. An Awareness. It does not seem to participate in the gyrations of wondering what it is or of trying to be anything at all. It is not trying to evolve or get anywhere. It is not judging what it sees. It is already. All things are Itself. All possibilities are Itself. It is what it is before the thoughts and words and labels try to contain it. It doesn’t need a “name”. 

I am also that. I cannot be separate from that. I cannot pull and tug myself into something that is apart. 

I can appear to defy God. There can be a playing of that game–in the end it is a musing…an imagination…a thundercloud raining itself back into the ocean it always was. The “ego” can play at defying God with its seeming “individuality”, its “personality”, with its shaking fist–but in the end it's only a dream, or perhaps a nightmare. God shaking its fist at God. A sort of cosmic joke. Nothing really happened.

Forgive the appearances, I hear a voice say. Forgive the worries and the fear and the confusion, my darling. You have never, ever, been anywhere but Home. Resting in this can lead your little anxious imagination into a profound trust. Rest your romantic ideas of wandering…of your playing at being the prodigal daughter.

Vastness. Timelessness. Knowing deeply–far beyond your imagination. Those are already what you are. No need to search for anything. The eyes won’t find it. The thoughts will never “know” it. There is nowhere to go.